Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
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OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Choose your fighter
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin