You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
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Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that