Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
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Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I only treason on days ending in y