Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
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Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.