Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
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If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Anyone really
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.