I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
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Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.