[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
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Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.