me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well