It’s a gift
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.