When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
You Might Also Like
When the stylist spins you back around
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??