“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
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😆this is so true
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight