me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
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Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*