I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
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Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Happens to everyone.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.