I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
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Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
The pen is writier than the sword.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.