I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.