Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
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WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
never forget
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?