I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
the council will decide your fate