If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
A ghost story
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.