COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
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[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me driving through Toronto
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
me and my fake scenarios
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.