Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
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I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS