i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
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Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
uncle dave has been through hell
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND