Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
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I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Made something I’m not proud of