[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
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Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I’m having an out of money experience.
Botany good plants lately?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.