My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
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The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
*pronounces patio like ratio
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
X-tra spooky blend
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there