“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.