Livid.
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Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.