Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
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My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.