I changed my mind..馃悤馃惥馃崻馃槄
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Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don鈥檛 drink.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I鈥檝e done build a bear several times.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here鈥鈥檓 pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 馃檪
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber 拢1*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I鈥檓 up $83.
I told someone that I鈥檇 be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o鈥檆lock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head