Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
You Might Also Like
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.