[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
You Might Also Like
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa