interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
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[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Come back with a warrant
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Oops I deleted….
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Going to church you guys need anything