[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
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“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums