You Might Also Like
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?