[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Doggies just call it style.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War