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[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
gm
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Passed by a old school Math example today.