ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
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Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
step 6: release the wall snake
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*