Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
listen closely
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
23. the denim jacket
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.