[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
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We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
The answer is funnier than the question
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.