[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
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Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her