Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
My circle of trust is a meatball
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes