St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.