[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Not even remotely sorry.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My life in a nutshell
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions