Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
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Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
This is Sparta
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.