[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
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She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
That’s enough internet for the day
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.