I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
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Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg