Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
You Might Also Like
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.