lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.