Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
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Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I love you…
…r dog.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching