Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
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She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Can. I. Help. You.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me