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If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
the saddest jazz hands ever
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Found the job I’m suited for
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]